Naraku: Sole Survivor!
by Shinigami Hilde
Summary: It's come down to this. The final battle for the Shikon no Tama! But since this is a major parody-nothing goes according to plan...


Naraku: Sole Survivor! - Will the world ever be the same?

Disclaimer: The day I own any of the characters in this thing is the day the world will come to an end…So, I suppose you can all pray that never happens. Anyway! This is an AU Parody type thing, read it and have fun. :D

By: Shinigami Hilde 

Inuyasha and company stood at the foot of the great rock where Naraku was presently holed up. The night was dark, dim and grim and all around the sound of an ominous howling wind whistled as it went through the trees of a forest surrounding Naraku's currant domain. The forest was piteously dying due to shouki poisoning. The final battle for the Shikon no tama and the lives of all involved was on the verge of erupting. And all looked harrowed and hard pressed.

"Look-there, on that cliff face. I sense the Shikon no tama up there…" Kagome gasped out, pointing up at a palace imbedded into the peak. 

"We're here at last…" Sango mumbled leaning on the Hiraikotsu heavily and gazing up at the steep cliff set before them.

"Mm, but will it be the last?" Miroku muttered, cradling his cursed right hand, his shakajou in the crook of his arm.

"I'll make damn sure it will…" Inuyasha growled with an intense promise to his comrades. 

Shippou blinked up at the rock-inlaid castle from Inuyasha's shoulder and shuddered. "The jaki from there is terrible." he muttered. "But I have a plan." With a little smirk Shippou leapt from Inuyasha's shoulder and dove into Kagome's pack. He would not emerge for a little while. 

~*~

Inside the palace in the rock face, Naraku sat before Kanna's upheld mirror rubbing Crisco into the long, greasy, black locks he called his coiffure. "Kukukuku…This is better than Dipsi-Do!" He exclaimed curling one lanky strand into a tight coil. It slapped wetly against his forehead.

In the corner Kagura watched him with an arched brow, slapping her fan open and placing it in front of her face. _"Schmuck."_ she thought to herself. _"Too wrapped up in himself to even recognize the stenches of Inuyasha and his gang."_ the wind youkai's red eyes switched from her creator to the open shoji where she could definitely smell the inu-youkai stench mixed in with about three humans. She rolled her eyes. _"Again, I say what a shlemiel."_

But Naraku didn't have to smell them. As he plastered the last strands of hair with the partially hydrogenated soybean and cotton seed oils Kanna's mirror began to fizzle like a TV screen and show a picture that was blurred at first. "Oh blast the bloody reception." Naraku muttered, and went about turning the magnolia flowers on the side of Kanna's head attempting to get a better signal. "Ah! There we are. Perfect." he exclaimed after a few good turns. 

He could see clearly now the small group laboring their way up the cliff. They hadn't gotten particularly far when the young hanyou turned to the girl behind him and presented his back to her. She climbed on and the others mounted the now transformed fire cat and bounded off. "Aa! We have guests I see. Lazy ones at that." he sniffed, idly twirling another greasy curl. "Well it would be rude to keep them waiting when they arrive. Chop, chop Kagura, there are things that need doing!" he added, clapping his hands and standing. 

Kagura lifted a carefully penciled eyebrow at Naraku. _"Alter kaker."_ she thought to herself, snapping the fan shut again and gracefully standing up. _"Things need doing…puh."_

~*~

They were inside of the palace now. It's dilapidated outlying wings, the occasional human bone abandoned in the center of the dusty courtyard, the eighty foot "South of the Border" neon sign with a hole that had been punched through the front of it scattered through out. (There is no more desolate place on earth.) The entire castle seemed to be some kind of awful trap. 

"What is this?" Sango asked as wind whistled about them and they surveyed the bleak plaza with it's cheesy stucco buildings. 

Kagome spoke hesitantly, having sounded out the words from the nearest shrine. "Uh…Ge-sho sa-ta-ti-on?" (Gesso Station)

Inuyasha snorted and placed his hand on the hilt of the Tetsusaiga. "Whatever it is, it reeks of Naraku…"

Suddenly a pair of double doors that were set into the peeling pink stucco façade of a Mexican style hacienda burst open . A large multicolored plaster parrot swung from a stand in the door way few yards away as a little man wearing a white suikan no hakama and a huge sombrero with lots of pompoms jingling from the rim. 

Everyone sweat dropped and blinked. "Hakodoushi?!" 

Hakodoushi lifted his head up with a moderately displease look in his violet eyes, flicking his white hair from his baby cheeks. "Hola amigos, beinvento al Plaza de Naraku. If you'd step this way, the main man is waiting for you in the lobby." he gestured to the double doors in the tacky stucco house he had emerged from. 

"Whaaat the hell did he just say?!" Inuyasha growled, gripping the hilt of his blade now.

Miroku cocked his brow slightly and rubbed his chin. "It appears he said something in another language, Inuyasha." he said matter-of-factly. 

"Well I knew that Bouzu! But what?!" 

"I'm~ not to sure about this, but I think he's saying "Welcome." Kagome suggested. 

"Welcome?! What did you hit your head or something Kagome? Why would that bastard welcome us?!" Inuyasha spluttered back at her.

"Doesn't matter, he's gone through those cheapo doors again." Sango pointed out with a shrug.

"Naa-?! Keh! Get back here you jerk!" the hanyou yelled out and hurried to follow him into the depths of the scary Mexican house. 

The rest of the group gazed around at each other and shrugged following the hanyou in.

~*~

The inside of the peeling pink building looked much like a post-apocalyptic ball room, complete with the broken columns that had no particular reason for being there, partially shattered mirrors on the walls and a dais against one wall with the skeleton of some poor sap slumped over in it. 

"Mou-this place is down right creepy!" Kagome shivered as they stepped into the extremely dimly lit room. 

"You can say that again Kagome-chan." Sango agreed, gazing about the shattered and broken walls. 

"Oh-are you scared Sango? Let me hold you and make your fears go away!" Miroku never did miss a chance.

"Na! I'm not that scared Houshi-sama! Hands off!" she exclaimed, bashing his head with her boom-a-rang bone.

"Where the fuck are we anyway? The inside of a citadel?" Inuyasha growled out his eyes roving skeptically across the disintegrating room.

Hakodoushi appeared before them again and bows slightly, the pompoms on his Mexican sombrero chinking. "Si, senor." he said. "Senor Naraku un momentito por favor."

Inuyasha spun to look at Hakodoushi and growled deep in his chest. "What the fuck are you saying you little twerp?! Speak Japanese!" 

"Kukukuku, 'allo old chaps." came the familiar deep throated voice from deep within the core of the room as Hakodoushi did not respond and instead bowed out and away for the time being. "What he said was that I would be with you in a moment, and, well, here I am! So dashingly good to see you all again, especially since this will be the last." 

Shippou chose now to pop his head from Kagome's bag, and quickly switched Inuyasha's blade with something else. And switched everyone else's weapons with that same something else, even Naraku's. A little mischievous grin crossed his lips and he popped back into Kagome's bag again. 

"Naraku! You bastard!" 

"Now, now! No need for rough language old dog!"

"He's got the Shikon no tama! I can sense it!"

"Give it up Naraku! You cannot win!"

"On the contrary Houshi. I'll win this and be out of here in time for tea and biscuits."

"You will pay for what you did to my family!"

"Oh Pish-posh Sango. I didn't do a thing. You know, I would like that tea before we start. Kagura?"

_"Tsatskele…"_ - "Yes?" 

"Bring me some tea."

"Tohkis leker." 

"HUH? Now Kagura is talking weird! What is wrong here?!"

"Eh-I mean, sure thing."

"Where is this going Kagome-chan?"

"I don't have a clue. I got lost when Naraku mentioned 'biscuits.'"

"I got lost long before that. More like when I saw that neon colored lit sign out front."

"Oh, you're right Miroku-sama…I was lost there too."

"GRR! Who the fuck cares! We haveta kill Naraku! TETSUSAI-…ga?…" Inuyasha yelled at the top of his lungs going to pull his blade out full force only to come up with: a can of whip cream. "Naaa?!"

This caused everyone to stare and each took out their own weapon. But they all failed to find them and instead found whipped cream cans. Sweat drops went all around, and hidden inside Kagome's yellow bag there was a snicker that went completely unheard. 

"How-are we supposed to fight with these?!" Sango cried out.

"Ouh- Youf suppsosef 'oo fighf wif 'hem?" Miroku tried to say through a mouthful of whip cream.

Sweat drops traveled around the room again till there was an outburst at one end of the room.

"Kukukukuku! This is fantastic! The ultimate weapon old chaps! BWAH! TAKE THAT!" And Naraku was the first to spray the nearest person with the whip cream, which happened to be Inuyasha. 

Inuyasha's brow ticked, you could see it from under his fluffy face mask, as he glared directly at Naraku. Naraku however hardly took notice of Inuyasha's face of death and went dancing about the room like a faerie giggling. "Bast~ard…" Inuyasha growled low; it was the only warning before he leapt up brandishing his whip cream can, aiming for Naraku.

But because Naraku was prancing about like a damn pixie, Inuyasha's first attack missed, splattering Kanna instead. "Aaa! My telly!" Naraku cried, spinning on Inuyasha. "Kukukukuku, good form old man! Good form!" he said "Now it's my turn!" and before the hanyou could blink and question what the fuck he meant, Naraku spun out and sprayed Kagome with his whip cream.

"Kyaa! I've been hit!" Kagome cried stumbling back wiping frantically at her face.

"Kagome!"

"Kagome-chan!"

"Kagome-sama!"

The triple call of the young miko's name stirred something in her friends. They all turned to Naraku. "Bastard! You'll pay for that!" Inuyasha snarled flourishing his can.

"Oi-"

"Kukukukuku, I hardly think you have a chance!"

"Hey-um-"

"That's what you think Naraku!" (Miroku)

"Yo! Hello!"

"Don't underestimate us!"

"Grr…HEY! You know I'm fine! Really, just sticky." Kagome cried suddenly.

"No, no, silly girl. You're supposed to feign death. You have been hit." Naraku explained to her calmly as everyone else nodded in agreement. 

"Oh-I am? Uh, okay the, sorry to interrupt." 

"Well, not death per sé; more like just mortally wounded." the monk pointed out resting his can on his shoulder.

"Oh Pish-posh, fine, have it your way for now." Naraku said, "Anyway, where were we?"

"I think I was telling you 'not to underestimate us.'" Sango said as Kagome proceeded to fall down and look wounded.

"Aa yes! Let's continue then!"  


"Keh! Your life ends here! I'll never forgive you!" Inuyasha picked up the original script. 

"Kukukukuku! Maybe you lot should not underestimate me old boy!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa-hold on a minute," Kagome interrupted again. "I don't get something." she said putting her fingers to her forehead. "Why, is Naraku speaking with a British accent?! Explain that to me before this goes on!"

"Shmuck." Kagura muttered holding the tea she'd been asked to get some time ago.

"She did it again! What the fuck is with the different languages?!" Inuyasha roared.

"I meant baka…Ba~ka~" the wind witch corrected with a sweat drop. "Anyway, its because this is a parody. Now drink this and settle down."

"Don't drink it Kagome-sama!" the houshi warned.

Kagura gave the monk a disdainful look. "Look here houshi, do you want this battle over or don't you?!"

"Uh-alright, point, point…" he grumbled as Kagome drank the tea and instantly fell back and fell asleep.

Inuyasha's brow ticked again. "Parody…Keh! Can we finish now?!"

"Yes, yes-finish you schlep." Kagura said. The hanyou gave her another murderous look. "Eh-baka! Baka!" she corrected again.

"Yea, well, anyway-Whip Cream!" Sango shouted sending a spray of white stuff at Naraku.

Naraku laughed and dodged again, shooting a stream back at the taijiya. Sango deftly avoided it. "It just doesn't have the same effect as Hiraikotsu…" she mumbled.

"Stop bitching!" Inuyasha snarled and leapt for Naraku too. "Double Whip Cream Whammy!" he called out, but Naraku skipped away from that too. "Grrr…You're right…It doesn't."

"See?! Now whose bitching!" Sango yelled back as the houshi took his turn.

"Whip-zana!" Miroku cried, but again Naraku avoided the attack. "Damn it! Whip cream just fails to have the same impact!"

"Ku! All of you stop complaining! I have you now!" Naraku chuckled as Hakodoushi entered into the room again carrying a tray full of about two dozen whip cream cans. 

The white boy, held the tray up, looking through the chinking pompoms on his sombrero, and said "Les aqui aceptar, Senor Naraku." 

"What the fuck! There he goes again! What the hell is that brat saying?!" Inuyasha screamed, he was near tearing his hair out. "SPEAK FUCKING JAPANESE!"

"Maa, maa…Inuyasha, settle down." Miroku tried to sooth the irate hanyou.

"Thank you." Naraku grinned and suddenly there was a glow of pink light, presumably from the Shikon no tama and he spanned himself out so that he had twenty-five extra arms. Each one grew a hand and grabbed a can of whipped cream. He then turned to his rivals and grinned a dark, evil, malicious grin that would prove to be the last thing our heroes would ever see. "Prepare to visit the land of the dead Inuyasha, Sango, Miroku…" he cackled slowly, stressing each name. When he had finished speaking with a low rumbling laugh he let all twenty five cans of fluffy, white, sticky, cool-whip goodness reign down on Inuyasha and company.

Screams of defeat echoed through out the desolate hall and into the tacky courtyard where the false stucco haciendas were creaking quietly in the wind.

And a tumbleweed rolled by. 

……

Back inside! Naraku stood on a mountain of whip cream, holding one can above his head and laughed like mad. "That's it! I win! The Shikon no tama is mine!" He exclaimed, and grinned down at the limp and lifeless bodies of his enemies which were not easy to see since they were completely plastered in whip cream. Under mountains of it to be more precise, and it covered everything else too. The walls, the ceilings, the dais with the poor skeleton sap, the 'dead' miko Kagome, Kagura's fan and most of her body save her face, which glared out from behind the fan with a look of complete disgust, but she didn't move.

The only things that remained untouched were Hakodoushi, who had floated up in his pink barrier ball at the last second to watch, and Naraku himself, who now fixed his hakama and stepped off of the whipped hanyou he'd been standing on walking towards the door. Hakodoushi followed, and as he pulled open the double doors that led out of the pink stucco building he looked back over his shoulder with a smirk. "Game over." he chuckled evilly and tossed the whip cream can over his shoulder, walking out into the morning sunlight to plan how he'd take over the world with wooden spoons.

The End!!!


End file.
